lapacifidora | Death Match: Principles vs. Paychecks (Reply)

My favorite character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer has always been Anya: She's honest, she doesn't take shit from anyone and she's newly human, so she can still get away with finding joy in simple things, like ice cream and fruit punch, without coming across as a complete moron.

She also had what was my all-time favorite quote from the entire series: "I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services."

(OK, well, that was actually Willow being petty and saying what she thought Anya would say. But Anya didn't really correct her, so...)

The fact remains that of all the characters on the show over the course of seven seasons, Anya's the only one to be counted on to say what everyone was thinking but wouldn't dare say.

Which brings me to my point: I liked Anya because I saw a lot of myself in her. I do, for the most part, like money better than people. Money is color blind, if only in the sense that money will not of its own volition get up and move to another seat just to avoid you. Money will not hold your social faux pas against you. Money will not speak to you in a condescending manner or belittle you. Because money is an inanimate object. All of the issues people have with money stands for are projections. When it comes down to it, money is just sheets of paper with pictures on them or pieces of decorative metal alloys: Its value derives from the value we, as societies and economies, project onto it.

Also, unlike some people I've met, money is almost always useful.

But, as I sit here and type this and contemplate whether taking Advil for the third day in a row is a bad thing considering the monster headache I've had for the last week or so, I'm facing an ugly truth about myself: There's something I like better than money.

And that's my principles.

I've never been particulalry popular (Exhibit A: My classmates in elementary school tried to knock me off the jungle gym so I'd fall and hurt myself. Exhibit B: My classmates in middle school threw books at my head - not just at me, but at my head - during free periods. Why? I have no effing clue.), despite trying to be nice and helpful. I suppose I could go with the argument my family always gave me, which was that my classmates were simply jealous of me because I was smart or actually liked my family or whatever. I don't know. But I've never been able to trade on popularity or the goodwill of my peers.

I've never been able to leverage any of my character traits in a way that was beneficial. And I've never been memorable: I've had more than one person get my name wrong, even after an extended period of acquaintance. (Don't get me wrong: I'm not whining. I'm just saying what my observations have been. After a while, you get past wondering why no one likes you and start paying attention to the way they express their dislike to see if there's anything to be learned or exploited.)

So, when it comes down to it, all I've ever had is my reputation (smart, hard working, honest, dedicated) and my good name. As far as I'm concerned, my word is my bond because I have nothing else of intrinsic value to offer at the beginning of any situation.

But I can't in good concious put my name on the line when it comes to this trial employment period I'm in the middle of.

I started Wednesday and hated it, and it's only gotten worse since then. As someone trained in journalism and with that set of values and ethics, making up quotes from the company's executive director makes me feel sleazey. Add to that my jaw being sore from grinding my teeth/grinning and bearing it and, as I mentioned before, a headache that won't quit, and I cannot wait for Wednesday to come so I can be done with this company.

I think it might be different if this were a different company. (Hell, I applied for a similar position with an environmental non-profit in Maryland, but at least there I know I would've been doing good.) It might even be different if I had been offered this opportunity in six months, when things were more desperate for me.

Right now, however, I'm choosing to put my principles over the possibility of a paycheck. On the one hand, I kind of hate myself for it because this marketing job is at least in a similar field as what I studied and it'd be something to put on my resume. On the other hand, while I'm sure I could sacrifice a month of my sanity for this job, I don't know that I'm willing to give myself an ulcer because I hate it and am stressed all the time.

As I told a couple of friends yesterday, I'm pretty much damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Still, I have a job interview for a shop job Thursday, where I'd still be selling stuff but it wouldn't require me to lie to people, which what I feel I'm doing at this other company. And if I can get that, I can keep looking for something that's a better fit for what I want to do.

I know there will probably be a part of me that will regret my decision to give up after a week and will always wonder what I could've accomplished if I stuck it out, even if for just a year. And I wonder if choosing to put my principles above experience and a salary doesn't make me arrogant and stupid.

But I can look at myself in the mirror even if I am arrogant and stupid. I know from experience that I can't do that if I'm full of self-loathing.

And if I haven't said this here before, I'll say it now: Being an adult? Totally sucks.