lapacifidora: (Freak out)
Ever have one of those days where you have a lovely surprise, but then you start thinking about it and by mid-day, you're overthinking it and, while still lovely, it's also making you a little sick to your stomach?

Welcome to my day.

Incoherent ramblings of a socially awkward penguin. )
Anyways. The gist of this is that a cute guy paid attention to me, and that is so unusual that it basically turned my head for the better part of the day. Ergo, i'm a Looney McCrazyPants. Ta-da!
lapacifidora: (Oh. Hell.)
Crap.

Crap crap crapcrapcrapcrap crappity crap crap.

This adulthood thing really kind of sucks, y'know.

Don't *make* me throw this hummus! It's spicy. )
lapacifidora: (Oh. Hell.)
In the space of the last month, my life has been shredded like a used paper napkin.

Scratch that: It's been ripped apart like one of those less-fortunate dinosaurs you see on a Discovery Channel program that isn't paying attention when all the other dinosaurs take off at the first hint that a T-Rex is coming up from behind.

My boss put me on a 1-month probation a little less than a month ago. And much as I've been doing what she asked me to do, things have not gotten better.

I can't eat. I've had more panic attacks in the last month than I had in the last two years of college. I fantasize about keying my boss's car. And then I wonder if maybe she's right, and am I simply a stupid girl who should be flipping burgers or something.

I'm angry and upset and bewildered, mainly because even when I was bullied as a kid, it was never like this: Never this systematic stripping away of everything I am, like she won't be happy until I am completely broken.

I'd like to think things would be better if my boss wasn't in the middle of opening a new restaurant in a different state, but my gut tells me it wouldn't. My gut tells me she believes she can crush me because I've bent over backwards to accommodate her before.

The part that makes me feel the most ill is that I know - I Know - I am only dragging this out because I'm afraid that if I do apply for a different job at another company, it will be just as bad as this. And that's stupid because I've had jobs I loved, jobs I would've kept forever if I could've.

But I suppose what I'm most concerned with at the moment is this: How do I get myself to start eating again when the thought of food makes me panicky and slightly nauseated? It's been so long since I've had this problem that I don't remember what I did last time.
lapacifidora: (Freak out)
Sometimes - and it's less than I used to because I'm making a concerted effort not to do this - I compliment family and friends because I feel guilty for having thought something mean about them before.

I also have a bad habit of complimenting or being nice to my family out of the blue because I think I might be mean to them later.
lapacifidora: (Oh. Hell.)
OK. Reality kinds of sucks. I had a dream that left me happy and peaceful last weekend - but I have no idea what happened. My boss is a complete lunatic. (Who? Who decides on a whim that she wants to reissue her cookbook? More to the point, who doesn't request a final e-file copy of the manuscript for safekeeping? She honestly has no idea how to run her business.)

And perhaps, more than anything else, there's the fact that I've felt off nearly all week because the dream that made me happy also made me think there was something wrong with me. What normal person wakes up happy and then convinces herself that feeling happy can't be trusted? Who doesn't trust feeling happy and thinks it's more normal to be frustrated?

I hate that my boss puts me in positions where I can't give my best effort, that I let her put me in those positions and that I then put up with her complaints when she decides that - where she's put up with less than my best every other time - my not giving her my best is a personal insult from me to her.

Pity Blarg

Mar. 26th, 2011 04:19 pm
lapacifidora: (Default)
I hate having white people problems. Seriously.

My sister got the good genes in the family. A year after having a baby, and she's now back to being as hot as she was pre-baby. (Plus, she's good at math and is funny.)

My brother never sent me a birthday card.

My mom spent more than $200 on fabric to make me two real "grown-up" dresses. And I feel like she shouldn't have spent that much money on me.

My car needs to be taken for servicing. (Oh, but yeah: I have a car. And it runs.)

My sometime-nemesis at work quit, and now I have to do her job and my job. I am not getting more money for doing this new job. I am, however, still earning more than minimum wage.

I hate that I don't have time to write as much as I want to because I have to work. (And I've been quoting Virginia Woolf to myself this last week, which is both stupid and pretentious.)

So. Yeah. My problems are horrible and awful and so lame because I've never had anything really horrible happen to me, with maybe two exceptions of things that were terrible.
lapacifidora: (Default)


Two things today to discuss: 

I have a few friends who've done this on Facebook, but I thought i would try it here: The handmade meme is when an individual offers to make & give/send something handmade to the first people who respond to a post. So...

I will make something and send it to the first five (5) people who respond to this post.

Assuming anyone actually wants to try this. To be clear, I'm a half-decent photographer, I make beaded jewelry and I knit. I also make good mix CDs. (The only complaint I've ever had was that I put the same song on more than one CD I made for the same person, and that stopped as soon as I started keeping better track of what I was choosing for each CD.)

The other thing is that I'm worried about posting a new fic to milady/milord because, as much as I've written shorter fics, I feel like I wrote 'There's Only One Girl In the World For You' and people would be happy if all I ever did was write sequels to that. But I have other ideas. And I suppose I'm freaked out that the Epic is the first thing I've ever written that I had a good response to, and I neither want to be pigeoh holed nor do I want to be a one-hit wonder. Mostly because I hope that at some point, I will be able to write fiction professionally.

Also, I've made some progress on my reading list.
Book-ity book book )


FML

Jan. 27th, 2011 09:09 pm
lapacifidora: (Default)
Today kind of sucked. I don't know how to react to anything that is going on right now, and I this is one of the few times I genuinely wish I had a boyfriend to distract me from reality.

The worst part is that the only part of today that didn't actually suck (although I was exhausted the entire time) was work. It's not good when the job you don't like is better than your life.
lapacifidora: (Default)


The new job is turning into a mammoth cluster-eff. I need to update my resume and start looking for a new job. It's frustrating because I had such high hopes for this job, and because having a regular income is incredibly important to me. (I'm neurotic about money and have been since I was a kid. It's a long, mostly pathetic story that I won't go into here.)

But I also don't know that I can work for someone who is - at times - unprofessional, rude, petty and mean. Now, petty and mean I can mostly handle. Unprofessional and rude I don't handle well.

What I really can't handle is being told that I'm half-assing things or that I'm a huge disappointment or that I'm practically useless, though not in as many words.

So now I'm talking to friends who work for Patch.com and I'm updating my resume and I hate everything. Maybe I could've done things differently: I'm not saying I'm completely without blame in this situation.

But I'm also not going to abase myself just to keep a job I'm not passionate about. If I have to, I'll go to work in a shop: I can work in a shop but not be a shop girl, dammit.


lapacifidora: (Default)


I'm a bad, horrible person.

I slept through my alarm two days in a row and was an hour late for work yesterday and today.

And I got chewed out today about being there for specific hours and not a minute earlier or later. Worse than getting chewed out is getting slammed with Catholic mother guilt. Grr argh.

But being late is not what makes me a bad, horrible person: It's the part where I've decided, against the theoretical advice I know my bestie would give me, I am going to play head games with the coworker who chewed me out.

On the one hand, I'm a bad horrible person.

On the other hand, she votes Republican and doesn't understand that the increase in extreme cold weather is a consequence of global warming, not evidence that Al Gore was wrong.

She kind of has it coming, in the grand scheme of the universe.


lapacifidora: (Default)
I think my Epic Community fic has another three, maybe, four chapters, plus the epilogue. I want to finish it by Christmas.

The epilogue won't be a problem: I've had the idea since August, the format since September and the major story points I want to address since the middle of October.

The problem is that to meet my deadline, I basically need to go back to writing a chapter a night, which is good because I sleep better when I've written a chapter and posted it, but it's bad because I usually stay up will 3 a.m. And I have to be up by 7:15, 7:30 at the latest to be at work at something approaching the time I'm supposed to be there.

So, i either need to suck it up, or find a TARDIS.

P.S. I also want to write a fic idea that's been growing for the last two months and post it Christmas Day, but then I'll probably spend most of Christmas writing it. I'm not 100 percent sure, but I'm fairly certain that officially makes me a sad sack with no life and negative social skills.
lapacifidora: (Default)

In the interest of putting off going to bed and waking up to my new job tomorrow morning (well, later this morning, as it's after midnight), I thought I would make myself a list of what is in my 'To Read' pile. That's what is below the cut, so please feel free to ignore this post. It's mostly for my own sake, as I'd probably lose a list someplace else - even on my PC.

Oh, man. So *many* words. )


Holy. Crap.

Oct. 5th, 2010 12:07 am
lapacifidora: (Joking)

No, no, let me repeat myself: Holy. Crap.

Don't suppose I could pay someone to quit for me? )


lapacifidora: (Default)

If you don't like swearing, do not follow the fake-cut. (I simply have no other place to complain.)

 

Tell me have ever really, really ever hated a boss? )

 


lapacifidora: (Default)

My favorite character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer has always been Anya: She's honest, she doesn't take shit from anyone and she's newly human, so she can still get away with finding joy in simple things, like ice cream and fruit punch, without coming across as a complete moron.

She also had what was my all-time favorite quote from the entire series: "I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services."

 

Beware of Neuroses )

 


lapacifidora: (Default)

I feel a little like that girl in "Purple Rain" because I feel like saying 'Maybe I'm just like my mother, she's never satisfied.'

This is what it sounds like when doves cry. )


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