Foolishly Inconsistent

Crap.

Crap crap crapcrapcrapcrap crappity crap crap.

This adulthood thing really kind of sucks, y'know.

( Don't *make* me throw this hummus! It's spicy. )

In the space of the last month, my life has been shredded like a used paper napkin.

Scratch that: It's been ripped apart like one of those less-fortunate dinosaurs you see on a Discovery Channel program that isn't paying attention when all the other dinosaurs take off at the first hint that a T-Rex is coming up from behind.

My boss put me on a 1-month probation a little less than a month ago. And much as I've been doing what she asked me to do, things have not gotten better.

I can't eat. I've had more panic attacks in the last month than I had in the last two years of college. I fantasize about keying my boss's car. And then I wonder if maybe she's right, and am I simply a stupid girl who should be flipping burgers or something.

I'm angry and upset and bewildered, mainly because even when I was bullied as a kid, it was never like this: Never this systematic stripping away of everything I am, like she won't be happy until I am completely broken.

I'd like to think things would be better if my boss wasn't in the middle of opening a new restaurant in a different state, but my gut tells me it wouldn't. My gut tells me she believes she can crush me because I've bent over backwards to accommodate her before.

The part that makes me feel the most ill is that I know - I Know - I am only dragging this out because I'm afraid that if I do apply for a different job at another company, it will be just as bad as this. And that's stupid because I've had jobs I loved, jobs I would've kept forever if I could've.

But I suppose what I'm most concerned with at the moment is this: How do I get myself to start eating again when the thought of food makes me panicky and slightly nauseated? It's been so long since I've had this problem that I don't remember what I did last time.

It's completely stupid, but there are moments I miss being unemployed. It's not simply because The Employer is a lunatic.

I miss updating my fics daily. I miss feeling like I was making progress on something I care about. And I miss having the energy to respond to everyone who comments on my fics.

I also kind of miss not looking like I've been smacked in the face. Does anyone have suggestions for under-eye shadows?