The things that are (mostly) worth it.
Dec. 9th, 2011 01:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lapacifidoraI am about to be introspective. As such, I am going to put my introspections under a fake cut: Not because they are particularly personal, but because I don't want to clog up people's friends pages with a lot of my nonsense.
If you're having one of those days, where everything is rather shitty and you're questioning your decision-making abilities, I strongly suggest you read this article. My best friend for at least the last decade posted it to Facebook, and while there's a whole lot of stuff about god and religion and stuff that I generally don't hold with *personally*, the points it makes are still valid and interesting and, I hope, useful.
I've been thinking a lot about my relationships with y family and friends recently. In part because I'm working on a couple of fan fics I enjoy - because I finally remembered what I loved about the Community fandom at the start of this season (Yes, I was one of those people who liked Season 2 but didn't love it as a whole, and think Season 3 is better than Seasons 1 and 2 combined.) - and in part because I realized the only person I was having any effect on was myself. (Long story short: I had a couple of negative reviews, which, after the scores of positive feedback on other stories, hurt more than I realized was possible. I got angry and defensive and was all, "Oh yeah?! Then I won't write! How d'you like them apples?" Turns out getting angry with Trolls doesn't help, especially when that anger feeds on an existing lack of confidence in something. But I digress.)
What I realized, big-picture wise, was that the people I've gotten to know in the last 18 months or so since I jumped in the fandom waters, really for the first time in a lot of ways, weren't going to stop talking to me if I took a break from reading/commenting on and writing fic. These were people with whom I now knew I shared other interests, opinions and experiences. But they were also people who, despite not having met/gone to school with (most of my other relationships being based on school) them, I liked them as people. These were smart, articulate, funny people who were looking for the same kind of common ground as me. This in itself was a different experience, as most of my other relationships were based on people being as smart or as competent as I am and how we would/could use the other person's skills to our advantage.
But the fandom had become a part of my "chosen" family as much as there were blood relatives who I choose not to involve myself with as much. I have all manner of family issues I won't get into here and now except to say that I a) recognize how lucky I am to have a family that usually supports my decisions and only seems to want what's best for me; and b) I have given serious thought to how I would dispose of each of them at different times in the last 15 years. What? I didn't do anything.
However, even the family you don't choose to like is still family, much as the family you do choose sometimes lets you down. This is where I've always had relationships break down: I am related to you/meet you. You are the greatest person I've ever met. We like a lot of the same things. Then, either suddenly or as a cumulative effect, I realize you have a habit/opinion/tendency I don't like/can't reconcile myself to/don't approve of. And I decide you are a disappointment and I pull away.
In the 20 or so years I've been interacting with people to whom I was not related, I've managed to convince myself I was a shit judge of character. That's partially true: I have given people who genuinely did not deserve another chance more opportunities - and more of my loyalty - than I should've.
But it's also a matter that if I go into a situation expecting that I will at some point be disappointed (which, honestly, isn't unreasonable) and feeling that any kind of disappointment is cause to abandon a relationship, then I'm setting myself up for failure.
So it's a matter of adjusting my own expectations: A difference in political opinion or personal belief, even if it's not apparent at the outset and comes later as a surprise, isn't cause to write someone off. That person acting like a pompous jackass and not showing interest in something I hold dear? Or, as Coworker would put it, not putting me anywhere on his or her list of priorities? Yeah: It's time to cut them out.
And that situation is what has led me to today: I saw an opportunity. Someone else didn't see anything at all. I didn't want to write that person off entirely, but I can't keep putting the same item on my To Do list if it goes against the laws of physics and nature, as it were. And making this person a priority - wanting to find out their opinions, spending any amount of time wondering what they were up to, and being even remotely concerned about their general well-being - when I was never more than a name to them was a waste of my time and my esteem.
I won't say it was a complete wash: I learned that non-creepers would find me interesting. I learned that my interest in traditionally non-feminine things wasn't the death-blow to me being someone else's idea of an opportunity. And I learned that I might sometimes be a shit judge of character, but sometimes it's about paying attention to the gap between what I might want that character to be and what it is.
I've started to cut the person out of my life. It's scary, but only because I'm not used to being the one to start this process. It's always been other people cutting me out of their lives. I sort of miss talking to them, but I can see that everything has been mainly one-sided for months now. And I am not that girl.
What are the things that are (mostly) worth it? My family. My awesome friends. Working at a job I loathe until I find a job I'm excited to do. Figuring out how to help people, if I can. Staying up till 2 a.m. to write, if that's when the mood strikes me and that's when I have time.
Yep. Priorities: I have them.
If you're having one of those days, where everything is rather shitty and you're questioning your decision-making abilities, I strongly suggest you read this article. My best friend for at least the last decade posted it to Facebook, and while there's a whole lot of stuff about god and religion and stuff that I generally don't hold with *personally*, the points it makes are still valid and interesting and, I hope, useful.
I've been thinking a lot about my relationships with y family and friends recently. In part because I'm working on a couple of fan fics I enjoy - because I finally remembered what I loved about the Community fandom at the start of this season (Yes, I was one of those people who liked Season 2 but didn't love it as a whole, and think Season 3 is better than Seasons 1 and 2 combined.) - and in part because I realized the only person I was having any effect on was myself. (Long story short: I had a couple of negative reviews, which, after the scores of positive feedback on other stories, hurt more than I realized was possible. I got angry and defensive and was all, "Oh yeah?! Then I won't write! How d'you like them apples?" Turns out getting angry with Trolls doesn't help, especially when that anger feeds on an existing lack of confidence in something. But I digress.)
What I realized, big-picture wise, was that the people I've gotten to know in the last 18 months or so since I jumped in the fandom waters, really for the first time in a lot of ways, weren't going to stop talking to me if I took a break from reading/commenting on and writing fic. These were people with whom I now knew I shared other interests, opinions and experiences. But they were also people who, despite not having met/gone to school with (most of my other relationships being based on school) them, I liked them as people. These were smart, articulate, funny people who were looking for the same kind of common ground as me. This in itself was a different experience, as most of my other relationships were based on people being as smart or as competent as I am and how we would/could use the other person's skills to our advantage.
But the fandom had become a part of my "chosen" family as much as there were blood relatives who I choose not to involve myself with as much. I have all manner of family issues I won't get into here and now except to say that I a) recognize how lucky I am to have a family that usually supports my decisions and only seems to want what's best for me; and b) I have given serious thought to how I would dispose of each of them at different times in the last 15 years. What? I didn't do anything.
However, even the family you don't choose to like is still family, much as the family you do choose sometimes lets you down. This is where I've always had relationships break down: I am related to you/meet you. You are the greatest person I've ever met. We like a lot of the same things. Then, either suddenly or as a cumulative effect, I realize you have a habit/opinion/tendency I don't like/can't reconcile myself to/don't approve of. And I decide you are a disappointment and I pull away.
In the 20 or so years I've been interacting with people to whom I was not related, I've managed to convince myself I was a shit judge of character. That's partially true: I have given people who genuinely did not deserve another chance more opportunities - and more of my loyalty - than I should've.
But it's also a matter that if I go into a situation expecting that I will at some point be disappointed (which, honestly, isn't unreasonable) and feeling that any kind of disappointment is cause to abandon a relationship, then I'm setting myself up for failure.
So it's a matter of adjusting my own expectations: A difference in political opinion or personal belief, even if it's not apparent at the outset and comes later as a surprise, isn't cause to write someone off. That person acting like a pompous jackass and not showing interest in something I hold dear? Or, as Coworker would put it, not putting me anywhere on his or her list of priorities? Yeah: It's time to cut them out.
And that situation is what has led me to today: I saw an opportunity. Someone else didn't see anything at all. I didn't want to write that person off entirely, but I can't keep putting the same item on my To Do list if it goes against the laws of physics and nature, as it were. And making this person a priority - wanting to find out their opinions, spending any amount of time wondering what they were up to, and being even remotely concerned about their general well-being - when I was never more than a name to them was a waste of my time and my esteem.
I won't say it was a complete wash: I learned that non-creepers would find me interesting. I learned that my interest in traditionally non-feminine things wasn't the death-blow to me being someone else's idea of an opportunity. And I learned that I might sometimes be a shit judge of character, but sometimes it's about paying attention to the gap between what I might want that character to be and what it is.
I've started to cut the person out of my life. It's scary, but only because I'm not used to being the one to start this process. It's always been other people cutting me out of their lives. I sort of miss talking to them, but I can see that everything has been mainly one-sided for months now. And I am not that girl.
What are the things that are (mostly) worth it? My family. My awesome friends. Working at a job I loathe until I find a job I'm excited to do. Figuring out how to help people, if I can. Staying up till 2 a.m. to write, if that's when the mood strikes me and that's when I have time.
Yep. Priorities: I have them.
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no subject
Date: 2011-12-09 07:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-10 01:31 am (UTC)This is... really something I've worked on in the last five or six years. My political beliefs tend to never mesh with anyone else's. I'm willing to put a LOT of money on the fact that you and I would disagree on a lot of things, but that doesn't change how I feel about you--that you're smart, witty, and a valuable friend. I didn't used to be like this, but now I'm like this with everyone.
And I'm sort of going through the same thing with my best friend. I was always really bad at making friends, so when this girl wanted to hang out with me in college, I was all over that. And she helped me expand my horizons, but then she moved across the country and not having her around every single day has demonstrated what an afterthought I am to her. She's my maid of honor but she challenges me on all of my decisions. She makes me feel like shit for silly things like parties and not being able to make it to friends weddings because of the family stuff I have going on. And after I was the one to use the last of my unemployment compensation to fly out to stay with her while her husband was deployed, I've come to realize that she's never done anything even remotely close to that kind of sacrifice to me. For months I've just chalked it up to her not being very good at being a long-distance friend, but lately, it's become obvious that... she's just not a very good friend.
It pains me to start distancing myself from one of my only close girl friends, but something's got to give, because all she does is make me feel sad and unworthy of her friendship. So basically that long story was to tell you that I'm right there with you on the one-sided relationship thing.
And... I can't imagine your stories getting negative reviews. Were they trolling?