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lapacifidoraI'd love it if I were Edith Piaf-like in my ability to live without regrets.
Sadly, the only thing I inherited from the French side of the family seems to be my ability to pronounce 'camembert' and 'croissant' correctly and a propensity for shrugging.
I do have regrets, mostly about the people I have and do call friends. My best friend in elementary school deserves an apology I haven't been able to bring myself to make in 19 years. I can't decide whether my bringing it up after all this time is selfish on my part - because the wrong I did her still haunts me when I'm tired and frustrated and hate myself a little more than usual - or if my inability to decide is fear she might not forgive me.
There are other former friends I owe apologies to: The Girl Who Was Exactly Like Me, Except Less Able to Adapt. (I saw her as an easy mark and diverted the attention of the bullies in her direction.) Or The Lonely Guy Who Kept Trying to Ask Me Out But Who I Decided Would Only Be Just A Friend. (I feel slightly less guilty about that one because he belittled what I wanted to do with my life several times. It wasn't intentional on his part, but it rankled.)
Or even The Guy I Worked With Briefly And Clearly Hated His Job As Much As I Hated Mine But Was Painfully Socially Awkward. (Honestly, I should just send him an email and apologize. But I keep putting it off and I don't know why.)
I miss these people, although I realize that the circumstances in which I was friends with them are different and that our friendship probably would never have been the kind where I visited them years from now, when we're both old and wirnkly.
And then there are the former friends I do *not* miss. Or perhaps I should say the former friend, singular.
We're "friends" on Facebook, but I don't think I've talked to her in more than a decade. She was my best friend and she was unnecessarily cruel when she knew I was miserable. I couldn't stand the thought of sharing anything with her after that bull shit.
It's not fair to say I don't miss her. Some days I'll see something and think I need to tell her immediately, but then I remember she stopped being the person I thought she was when she couldn't bother to apologize when she had to have known I was hurt. And now, like today when I looked at her Facebook page out of curiosity, I realize she chose to stop being my friend that day as much as I chose to stop being hers.
Moral of the story? Most of the time, most people suck. But most of the time, you're probably not around people who actually give a shit about the same things you do. Actually, maybe that's not the moral of the story. Maybe it's just me being slightly depressed and frustrated and not adept at dealing with people or getting older. Whatever.
Sadly, the only thing I inherited from the French side of the family seems to be my ability to pronounce 'camembert' and 'croissant' correctly and a propensity for shrugging.
I do have regrets, mostly about the people I have and do call friends. My best friend in elementary school deserves an apology I haven't been able to bring myself to make in 19 years. I can't decide whether my bringing it up after all this time is selfish on my part - because the wrong I did her still haunts me when I'm tired and frustrated and hate myself a little more than usual - or if my inability to decide is fear she might not forgive me.
There are other former friends I owe apologies to: The Girl Who Was Exactly Like Me, Except Less Able to Adapt. (I saw her as an easy mark and diverted the attention of the bullies in her direction.) Or The Lonely Guy Who Kept Trying to Ask Me Out But Who I Decided Would Only Be Just A Friend. (I feel slightly less guilty about that one because he belittled what I wanted to do with my life several times. It wasn't intentional on his part, but it rankled.)
Or even The Guy I Worked With Briefly And Clearly Hated His Job As Much As I Hated Mine But Was Painfully Socially Awkward. (Honestly, I should just send him an email and apologize. But I keep putting it off and I don't know why.)
I miss these people, although I realize that the circumstances in which I was friends with them are different and that our friendship probably would never have been the kind where I visited them years from now, when we're both old and wirnkly.
And then there are the former friends I do *not* miss. Or perhaps I should say the former friend, singular.
We're "friends" on Facebook, but I don't think I've talked to her in more than a decade. She was my best friend and she was unnecessarily cruel when she knew I was miserable. I couldn't stand the thought of sharing anything with her after that bull shit.
It's not fair to say I don't miss her. Some days I'll see something and think I need to tell her immediately, but then I remember she stopped being the person I thought she was when she couldn't bother to apologize when she had to have known I was hurt. And now, like today when I looked at her Facebook page out of curiosity, I realize she chose to stop being my friend that day as much as I chose to stop being hers.
Moral of the story? Most of the time, most people suck. But most of the time, you're probably not around people who actually give a shit about the same things you do. Actually, maybe that's not the moral of the story. Maybe it's just me being slightly depressed and frustrated and not adept at dealing with people or getting older. Whatever.
